The emotional impact of separation and divorce (in the event the relationship was a marriage), on the parties, the children and various others (extended family, for example) has been the subject of much research and publication.
No blog post can do justice to the subject - it is vast and varied, also depending on whose emotional state is being considered, their role in the separation (if any), and what stage of the separation process is being addressed.
In this post, we would like to share some thoughts and observations about tools which might assist a separating spouse through the process:
1. Identify and lean on your support network: - whether you initiated the separation or your spouse did, there will be important issues to tackle, for both of you, and that generally brings with it some emotional upheaval. Even if the separation was "amicable", our experience is that organizing all of the issues which come at the end of a relationship can be emotionally trying. The end of a long-term relationship, in particular, brings with it a grieving period. Grab the hands reaching out to you in support and lean on your family and friends.
2. Try not to shut down: - news of a separation, finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful or untruthful, feeling the inevitability of a separation - all these can bring on intense emotional responses. You may instinctively shut down, push off the emotions flooding in from so many directions, in an effort to lessen if not eliminate their heavy weight. Shutting down and not participating at all in what is happening to you, around you, is likely not the best for you, even though it may feel like it is. A court case, for example, can carry on without your participation and decisions can be made by the court even if you are not there, impacting on your future. The more productive approach is to identify you are feeling overwhelmed and communicate that to someone who can deal with the information appropriately on your behalf: your doctor, priest, rabbi, imam.....tell a close relative so they can help you get the assistance you need to cope.
3. Be kind to yourself: - overwhelming sadness, disappointment, frustration and even anger are common emotions in these circumstances. Coming to terms with the end of a relationship is difficult and a number of stages are involved. It may be particularly difficult for you to handle if you are facing the prospect of dealing with your spouse and possibly their new partner for some time to come because there are children involved. Be kind to yourself. Look for medical and counselling support if you find you are having difficulty coping. Proper nutrition and exercise are key to a healthy mind - a healthy, alert mind, on the other hand, will help you handle what is ahead.
4. Above all, your children's needs come first, ahead of yours or your spouse's: - separating spouses often confuse what is best for them with what is best for their children. Remember that your child or children are not part of the dispute between you and your spouse. They should not participate in the dispute and where at all possible, they should not be burdened with the consequences of the breakup. Before you pass a message to your ex-spouse through your child, realize what impact this will have on him or her. Before you voice criticism of your ex-spouse in front of your child, consider you are talking about your child's other parent - you may not like your spouse and you are entitled to that but what is the impact of your statement on the child? - it's about his mother or father.
There is a myriad of resources available to assist you with the emotional impact of separation and divorce - many are free of change. Make use of them and work on getting through this difficult period with a balanced and informed view of the situation.
No blog post can do justice to the subject - it is vast and varied, also depending on whose emotional state is being considered, their role in the separation (if any), and what stage of the separation process is being addressed.
In this post, we would like to share some thoughts and observations about tools which might assist a separating spouse through the process:
1. Identify and lean on your support network: - whether you initiated the separation or your spouse did, there will be important issues to tackle, for both of you, and that generally brings with it some emotional upheaval. Even if the separation was "amicable", our experience is that organizing all of the issues which come at the end of a relationship can be emotionally trying. The end of a long-term relationship, in particular, brings with it a grieving period. Grab the hands reaching out to you in support and lean on your family and friends.
2. Try not to shut down: - news of a separation, finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful or untruthful, feeling the inevitability of a separation - all these can bring on intense emotional responses. You may instinctively shut down, push off the emotions flooding in from so many directions, in an effort to lessen if not eliminate their heavy weight. Shutting down and not participating at all in what is happening to you, around you, is likely not the best for you, even though it may feel like it is. A court case, for example, can carry on without your participation and decisions can be made by the court even if you are not there, impacting on your future. The more productive approach is to identify you are feeling overwhelmed and communicate that to someone who can deal with the information appropriately on your behalf: your doctor, priest, rabbi, imam.....tell a close relative so they can help you get the assistance you need to cope.
3. Be kind to yourself: - overwhelming sadness, disappointment, frustration and even anger are common emotions in these circumstances. Coming to terms with the end of a relationship is difficult and a number of stages are involved. It may be particularly difficult for you to handle if you are facing the prospect of dealing with your spouse and possibly their new partner for some time to come because there are children involved. Be kind to yourself. Look for medical and counselling support if you find you are having difficulty coping. Proper nutrition and exercise are key to a healthy mind - a healthy, alert mind, on the other hand, will help you handle what is ahead.
4. Above all, your children's needs come first, ahead of yours or your spouse's: - separating spouses often confuse what is best for them with what is best for their children. Remember that your child or children are not part of the dispute between you and your spouse. They should not participate in the dispute and where at all possible, they should not be burdened with the consequences of the breakup. Before you pass a message to your ex-spouse through your child, realize what impact this will have on him or her. Before you voice criticism of your ex-spouse in front of your child, consider you are talking about your child's other parent - you may not like your spouse and you are entitled to that but what is the impact of your statement on the child? - it's about his mother or father.
There is a myriad of resources available to assist you with the emotional impact of separation and divorce - many are free of change. Make use of them and work on getting through this difficult period with a balanced and informed view of the situation.
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